When You Can’t Stop Questioning Your Relationship

Normal Relationship Questions vs Relationship OCD

I think it is common, and even necessary, to question your relationship, especially in the beginning stages when you’re still building trust and seeing if you’re compatible. Other times it’s important to question your relationship are when there is constant high conflict, conflict without repair, changes in the relationship or your partner that can’t be reconciled, or betrayal or abuse. I could think of so many other scenarios where it would be vital to reflect on and question your relationship, but hopefully you get the idea.

But in OCD therapy for relationship OCD (ROCD), this kind of questioning is not what I am addressing. Instead, OCD therapy is about addressing relentless doubt about your relationship. This can look like:

• trying to figure out if you’re in the right relationship
• if your partner is a perfect match for you
• if you are being the most perfect, honest partner
• or if you are truly in love with or attracted to your partner.

Again, I could give more examples of common ROCD obsessions, but hopefully you get the idea.

When Relationship Doubts Start to Feel Endless

At this point, you might be seeing that there is an overlap between “real” relationship concerns, like the ones I mentioned in the first paragraph, and ROCD obsessions. For example, maybe there has been a period of high conflict in your relationship that has you questioning whether you and your partner are compatible. That might seem like a normal evolution of thoughts and reflections after a rough patch in your relationship.

However, now it feels like you can’t stop thinking about whether your relationship will work out or if this is the right relationship for you. It’s hard for you to be around your partner because you can’t stop analyzing their every word, life choice, style, and appearance. You’re wondering if you are even attracted to them physically and emotionally, or if you ever really were. You’re constantly wondering how the two of you will work out in the future and if you are the best possible match. What part of this is “normal” questioning because your relationship has been hard recently, and what part of this is ROCD?

This is a question I almost always get from my clients. And what I almost always tell them might be hard to hear: we are never really going to know which is which. We are never going to know with absolute certainty what is ROCD and what is a real relationship concern.

Why OCD Wants Certainty About Your Relationship

This is because relationships are imperfect and difficult at times, and OCD tends to latch onto imperfect and difficult things. Instead, what I try to help my clients do is stop trying to answer questions they can’t answer with certainty, like whether this is OCD or not or if this is the “right” relationship for them, what the future will be like, or how to know if they are in love or truly attracted to their partner.

We can’t answer these questions with the kind of certainty that OCD demands. Instead, I help my clients build self-trust. Trust that they’ll end the relationship if it’s no longer good for them. Trust that they can handle a divorce or breakup if they commit to their partner, build a life together, and later discover they’re incompatible. And, trust their feelings of desire and attraction without having to overanalyze every thought or action.

Building Self-Trust Instead of Finding Perfect Answers

In my experience, a lack of self-trust contributes to so much OCD, no matter the theme. And what those of us with OCD seem to mistrust the most is our ability to handle hard things. What so many of my clients tell me is that they’re scared that if their OCD fear came true-like finding out they are in the “wrong” relationship-they wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Their world and mental health would totally collapse, and they wouldn’t be able to cope or rebuild their life. I challenge this fear with my clients by emphasizing that we don’t know what the future holds.

You could be the most careful and intentional person when choosing your partner, and there is still a risk that the relationship will not work out, or that one day one of you will break the other’s heart. When you’re in a relationship, you are so vulnerable to uncertainty and heartbreak. That vulnerability is inevitable, so all you can do is trust that you will be able to heal and cope if your relationship were to end.

Learning to Trust Yourself Through Uncertainty

So what would you do if your relationship were to end? Yes, it would be heartbreaking-there’s no way around that-but what would you do? Who would you reach out to for support? What activities help you when you’re sad? What have you done in the past when you went through a heartbreak or another difficult time that helped you? These are the kinds of questions I ask my clients to remind them that they can cope with pain and heartbreak. I help people build self trust and reduce mental compulsions like rumination so they can be present in their relationship and with their partner.

I’ll talk more about how I help clients build self-trust when they’re dealing with ROCD in my next blog. Stay tuned 🙂

Relationship OCD Therapy in Boston, MA & San Diego, CA

If you’re struggling with Relationship OCD (ROCD), constant relationship doubt, rumination, or anxiety about your relationship, therapy can help you step out of the endless cycle of overthinking and build more trust in yourself. At times, it can feel impossible to know whether a concern is a genuine relationship issue or OCD demanding certainty. This is where working with an OCD specialist can be especially helpful.

Jen Lescher, LCSW provides OCD therapy for adults in Boston, MA and San Diego, CA, helping clients navigate Relationship OCD, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, rumination, and other common OCD themes. Using evidence-based approaches such as Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Inference-Based CBT (ICBT), mindfulness-based interventions, and other effective OCD treatments, Jen helps clients learn how to respond differently to intrusive thoughts, reduce compulsions, and rebuild self-trust.

Start Building Trust in Yourself Again with OCD Support

When you’re caught in the cycle of Relationship OCD, it can feel like every thought needs an answer and every doubt needs to be solved before you can relax. Over time, though, that constant searching for certainty often leads to more confusion, not less. The goal of therapy isn’t to help you find perfect answers-it’s to help you develop a different relationship with uncertainty and a stronger trust in yourself.

If you’re ready to spend less time analyzing your relationship and more time being present in it, Jen Lescher, LCSW would be happy to help. Reach out today to schedule a consultation and learn more about OCD therapy for Relationship OCD, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, and rumination.

1. Contact Jen Lescher, LCSW to schedule a consultation.
2. Learn more about OCD therapy and evidence-based treatment options.
3. Begin building self-trust so OCD no longer gets the final say in your relationship.

Additional Services Offered in Boston, MA & San Diego, CA

Along with one-on-one OCD therapy, I also offer supportive resources that address challenges many clients face outside of sessions. On the Common subtypes page, you can explore detailed insights into recurring thoughts and behaviors. The relationships page offers guidance for managing friendships, dating, and relationships while living with OCD and anxiety.

About OCD Therapist Jen:

Hi, I’m Jen.

I’m a therapist, coffee enthusiast (honestly, it’s my favorite time of the day), and a big believer in finding small moments of presence-whether that’s through mindfulness, photography, or a quiet walk with my camera in hand. Photography helps me stay grounded and see the world with a little more curiosity, and that same mindset shows up in my work with clients. I’ve been drawn to spirituality and healing work since I was a teenager, exploring everything from meditation to energy practices. But I’m also someone who loves blasting music in the car and getting lost in a true crime podcast. I think healing can include both stillness and movement, reflection and laughter. Therapy should have room for all of that. Since 2007, I’ve worked in a range of mental health settings, which taught me that healing isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s personal, evolving, and sometimes messy-but always possible.

Training & Background:

• Inference-Based CBT (ICBT) for OCD – The OCD Training School & The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
• Certified in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) – The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
• Gottman Method Couples Therapy – Level 1
• Master’s in Social Work – Portland State University, 2012