How OCD and Anxious Attachment Show Up in Relationships
In my last post, I discussed the similarities between Relationship OCD (ROCD) and anxious attachment and why they often get confused and conflated with each other.
In that post, I talked about the similarities and differences between ROCD and anxious attachment, which you can read about here: Do I Have Relationship OCD or Anxious Attachment?
So in this post, I am going to describe what it can look like when someone is experiencing an activated anxious attachment system and how it can change over time.
The reason I say an activated anxious attachment system is because attachment styles are not static. Instead, they can change, often due to the kinds of relationships you are in or what you are going through in your relationship. This is really good news because it means you are wired for secure and stable relationships.
When an Inconsistent Relationship Activates Anxious Attachment
In case this sounds confusing, let’s use a hypothetical character named Alisha. Alisha was in a situationship with Steve for a year. She really cared for Steve, had so much fun with him, and felt ready to be in a monogamous relationship with him. The problem? Steve said he wasn’t ready for that. Even though they spent most weekends together, went on trips together, cuddled, and even got to know each other’s friends, Steve said he didn’t want a commitment. And it showed. He would sometimes go several days without any communication, and Alisha didn’t know what he was doing or if he was dating anyone else. But then he would reappear and be romantic and caring.
It’s not like Steve was necessarily being manipulative. He told her what he wanted and what his capacity was. But it was still hard for Alisha. She had serious feelings for him, and it hurt when he would disappear on her. She would often feel anxious, wondering if he was ever going to text her back, if he met someone he liked more than her, and she even ruminated about ways she could get his attention without scaring him away.
Why Uncertainty Can Feel So Anxiety-Provoking
In this situation, we can see how Alisha would feel confused and anxious. I mean, who wouldn’t? One minute Steve is super romantic, spending lots of quality time with her and giving Alisha so much affection and attention, and then suddenly he’s gone. He doesn’t give her any attention, and it feels very cold and void of any romance between them. This is such an emotional roller coaster that would cause most people to feel anxious. Over time, most people’s attachment systems would calibrate to be more on the anxious side if they continued to stay in this kind of relationship. If I were Alisha’s therapist, though, I would explore with her what is driving her to stay in a situation that seems to be causing so much pain and anxiety.
How Anxious Attachment Can Carry Into a New Relationship
But, for the sake of this blog, let’s stay with the plot. Let’s say eventually Alisha ends things with Steve, which is often what happens in these kinds of situations: the anxious person eventually says enough is enough. Some time goes by, and Alisha begins a new relationship with Theo. Theo wants the same things Alisha wants: a serious, monogamous relationship. They get along so well that they decide to begin a relationship.
And Theo is very different from Steve. He prioritizes Alisha, communicates directly about his needs and feelings, and is generally consistent. In other words, Theo is securely attached. Alisha can notice the difference in communication, and it feels really good to her. But she still feels really anxious at times with Theo. She notices when he is quieter, doesn’t text back right away, or when his mood changes, and she often starts analyzing things and wondering if he is going to leave the relationship.
The beginning of the relationship was especially hard for Alisha because her attachment system was still wired to brace for the emotional roller coaster she experienced with Steve. But with time, direct communication about her needs and feelings with Theo, and continued co-regulation with Theo, Alisha’s attachment style recalibrates and she becomes more secure. This means she eventually experiences less anxiety and heightened alertness in her relationship with Theo.
Why a Secure Relationship Can Still Feel Unfamiliar
This is the beauty of attachment styles: they change. Which means an insecure attachment style like anxious attachment doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. It just means your attachment system got a little out of whack, but your natural capacity is for secure and stable relating. And how we get back to stable and secure relationships often happens when we change who we are choosing to be in relationships with, or when both partners change and heal how they are communicating and being with each other inside their relationship.
Now, going back to the first part of this blog-what happens when ROCD gets mixed in with anxious attachment
First, we are going to need to understand the signs and symptoms of ROCD, which I will cover in my next post. Stay tuned.
Therapy for OCD and Attachment in Boston, MA & San Diego, CA
Jen Lescher, LCSW offers online therapy for OCD and attachment concerns to adults in Boston, MA and San Diego, CA. Whether you are struggling with relationship anxiety, anxious attachment, ROCD, or the ways these concerns can overlap, therapy can help you better understand your patterns. By working with an OCD therapist, you can begin responding to patterns differently. An OCD therapist can provide a thoughtful, individualized space to explore your experiences and strengthen self-trust.
When You Recognize These Patterns in Yourself
If you’re finding yourself in Alisha’s story, you may be wondering why you still feel anxious even when your current relationship is different from the one that hurt you. You may also be questioning whether your reactions are connected to anxious attachment, OCD, or both. OCD Therapy can give you space to explore those patterns without judging yourself for having them. If that sounds familiar, follow the steps below:
- Reach out to me here and we can talk about what you’ve been experiencing and see if working together feels like a good fit.
- Explore your relationship patterns. We’ll look at how past experiences and current relationship dynamics may be affecting the way you respond to uncertainty.
- Build more secure ways of relating. Together, we’ll work on communicating your needs and recognizing when your attachment system is activated.
Other Services Offered in Boston, MA & San Diego, CA
Alongside one-on-one OCD therapy, I also offer additional support designed to meet the specific challenges many clients face. On the Common OCD Themes page, I explore recurring thought patterns and behaviors that often appear with OCD. I also provide resources on relationships, offering guidance for navigating relationships, friendships, and dating while managing OCD and anxiety. These services are meant to complement therapy, giving you deeper insight and practical tools that support healing both inside and outside of sessions.
About OCD Therapist Jen:
Hi, I’m Jen.
I’m a therapist, coffee enthusiast (honestly, it’s my favorite time of the day), and a big believer in finding small moments of presence-whether that’s through mindfulness, photography, or a quiet walk with my camera in hand. Photography helps me stay grounded and see the world with a little more curiosity, and that same mindset shows up in my work with clients. I’ve been drawn to spirituality and healing work since I was a teenager, exploring everything from meditation to energy practices. But I’m also someone who loves blasting music in the car and getting lost in a true crime podcast. I think healing can include both stillness and movement, reflection and laughter. Therapy should have room for all of that. Since 2007, I’ve worked in a range of mental health settings, which taught me that healing isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s personal, evolving, and sometimes messy-but always possible.
Training & Background:
- Inference-Based CBT (ICBT) for OCD – The OCD Training School & The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
- Certified in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) – The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
- Gottman Method Couples Therapy – Level 1
- Master’s in Social Work – Portland State University, 2012