Do I Have Relationship OCD or Anxious Attachment?
This is a question I get a lot from clients: Do I have OCD, specifically ROCD (relationship OCD), or is this anxious attachment?
To be honest, this is a tricky question for many reasons:
1. OCD and anxious attachment have some similarities
2. People with ROCD are often experiencing an activated attachment style, like anxious attachment
3. OCD can latch onto attachment injuries (like past relational trauma) or current issues in your relationship that are activating an anxious attachment style.
All this to say that if your anxiety symptoms are causing distress and impacting your ability to be in a relationship, I encourage you to seek assistance from an anxiety, OCD, and/or relationship therapist to help you suss out what is happening. As well as point you in the right direction for treatment options. As an OCD therapist, this is something I help clients do all the time, as ROCD and relationship anxiety can be confusing to navigate.
ROCD and Anxious Attachment Can Look Similar
Let’s start with the first point I made that makes ROCD and relationship anxiety confusing: they have similarities. But just because they have similarities does not mean they are the same or require the same treatment. Making them confusing to diagnose and treat unless someone has specialty training and the knowledge to do so.
So, what are these similarities?
In ROCD and anxious attachment, we see a preoccupation with the relationship that can look like a ton of worrying about the relationship, rumination about the partner, and analyzing communication that is happening in the relationship. Also, in both ROCD and anxious attachment, there is a lot of anxiety involved, and the relationship and interactions with the partner can trigger this anxiety.
When Relationship Anxiety Doesn’t Necessarily Mean OCD
But just because someone is experiencing preoccupation, even obsessiveness, and anxiety in the relationship does not mean it is OCD.
Sometimes clients come to me because they think they are experiencing ROCD. They are obsessing about their relationship, or another therapist (well-intentioned but misinformed) tells them they have ROCD. But people experiencing anxious attachment can get obsessive and completely preoccupied with the relationship without having symptoms of OCD.
For example, this can look like analyzing conversations, text messages, and the frequency of sex and affection because you’re trying to figure out if your partner is into you, if they are going to reject you or leave you, if they love you, if you’re lovable, etc.
How Anxious Attachment Can Affect Your Relationships
And when anxious attachment is activated, we can get pretty darn obsessive. It can feel like your partner holds the keys to your mood. For example, if they are giving you lots of attention and affection, then you might feel confident or even like you are on cloud nine and can do anything. But if there is even the tiniest sign of inconsistency or PERCEIVED rejection or pulling back, then you could feel on edge, anxious, or even panicked.
I emphasize the word perceived here because there might not actually be any rejection. Instead, your partner might have taken a long time to text you back because they are having a really busy day. Maybe they seem withdrawn and short because they are feeling tired or a little depressed about something that has nothing to do with you. Maybe they aren’t being affectionate or sexual because they’re really stressed out by work.
When Your Partner’s Behavior Is Actually Concerning
There are a million reasons why your partner might be showing up a little differently. However, when we are struggling with anxious attachment, we are so fearful of being rejected or abandoned that we interpret these changes as our partner pulling away, when really they are just being a human dealing with human things.
Sometimes, though, our anxious attachment is activated because there are things happening in the relationship that are making us uncomfortable. Maybe your partner is starting to be consistently inconsistent with their communication and affection. Or, maybe they are showing less interest in the relationship and spending quality time with you on a regular basis. Perhaps your partner has even voiced dissatisfaction, or if it’s a love interest, maybe they have told you they aren’t sure they want to be in a relationship.
These are things that could actually be making you feel uncomfortable, and understandably so. These things would make most people feel nervous, anxious, and sad. But when we have a proclivity toward anxious attachment, our preoccupation with the relationship might feel disproportionate to the actual events. The anxiety, obsessiveness, and worry might feel debilitating. We are totally consumed with the fear that our partner might leave us in some way, and it feels like we can’t cope with that.
Why ROCD and Anxious Attachment Can Overlap
Now, what I just described is a very straightforward example of anxious attachment. I discussed what it’s like to have anxious attachment without the presence of other obsessions. I showed how anxious attachment is a preoccupation and fear of rejection or abandonment by your partner. Many people, if not most, are not so straightforward. This is where a therapist like myself can help you untangle and address the nuances of the anxiety you are dealing with.
In my next post, I will talk more about these nuances. More specifically, what happens when we add ROCD to the mix of relationship anxiety and anxious attachment.
Stay tuned.
Read the next blog here: https://jenlescherlcsw.com/blog/how-ocd-and-anxious-attachment-show-up-in-relationships/
Therapy for Anxiety and OCD in Boston, MA and San Diego, CA
Relationship anxiety can take up a lot of mental space. Especially if you are constantly questioning your relationship, analyzing your feelings, or trying to figure out whether what you’re experiencing is OCD, anxiety, or something related to attachment. I offer online OCD and anxiety therapy in Boston, MA, and San Diego, CA, with a focus on helping you understand what’s actually happening beneath the overthinking and doubt. Therapy at Jen Lescher LCSW isn’t about giving you the “right” answer about your relationship or helping you reach 100% certainty. Instead, we’ll work together to understand your patterns, step out of unhelpful cycles, and build more trust in yourself as you navigate uncertainty and relationships.
Understanding Your Relationship Anxiety With Support
If you’re ready to stop spending so much time trying to figure everything out on your own, here’s where you can start. You don’t need to know whether what you’re experiencing is ROCD, anxious attachment, relationship anxiety, or something else before reaching out. You also don’t need to have a perfectly organized explanation of your thoughts, feelings, or relationship concerns. Follow the steps below to get started with an OCD therapist:
- Schedule a free 15-minute intro call so we can talk about what you’re experiencing and see if working together feels like a good fit.
- We’ll look at the thoughts, doubts, and behaviors that keep pulling you into overthinking and explore what may be contributing to them.
- You don’t have to have everything figured out before starting therapy. Sometimes, you just need a place to start.
Additional Services Offered in Boston, MA & San Diego, CA
Along with one-on-one OCD therapy, I also offer supportive resources that address challenges many clients face outside of sessions. On the Common subtypes page, you can explore detailed insights into recurring thoughts and behaviors. The relationships page offers guidance for managing friendships, dating, and relationships while living with OCD and anxiety.
About OCD Therapist Jen:
Hi, I’m Jen.
I’m a therapist, coffee enthusiast (honestly, it’s my favorite time of the day), and a big believer in finding small moments of presence-whether that’s through mindfulness, photography, or a quiet walk with my camera in hand. Photography helps me stay grounded and see the world with a little more curiosity, and that same mindset shows up in my work with clients. I’ve been drawn to spirituality and healing work since I was a teenager, exploring everything from meditation to energy practices. But I’m also someone who loves blasting music in the car and getting lost in a true crime podcast. I think healing can include both stillness and movement, reflection and laughter. Therapy should have room for all of that. Since 2007, I’ve worked in a range of mental health settings, which taught me that healing isn’t one-size-fits-all. It’s personal, evolving, and sometimes messy-but always possible.
Training & Background:
- Inference-Based CBT (ICBT) for OCD – The OCD Training School & The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
- Certified in Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) – The Cognitive Behavioral Institute
- Gottman Method Couples Therapy – Level 1
- Master’s in Social Work – Portland State University, 2012